


Forgotten

by StarSeeker



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, I promise, M/M, Memory Loss, Mention of torture, PTSD (sort of), dont really know yet, im terrible at these things, its gonna be awesome, past torture (nothing graphic though), pining from afar!Dean, post 9x03, temporary major character death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-04
Updated: 2016-05-29
Packaged: 2017-12-31 11:50:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1031397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarSeeker/pseuds/StarSeeker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Cas dies (for real this time) Dean can't handle it. He makes a deal to forget the angel and moves on. </p><p>When Castiel fights his way out of hell and when he's knocking on the Winchester's door, expecting to fall into the arms of the one he truly loved. Only to find that he doesn't remember him. </p><p>Can he save their love and maybe also his soul, you know, while he's at it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Deal with the Demon

“Dean, please. You can’t keep doing this to yourself. It’s been two months and you’re still beating yourself up over this.” Sam had been trying to get through his brother for ages it seemed. He knew the loss of the angel was hard on Dean, harder than he would let anyone see. Sam knew his brother, he knew Dean was probably killing himself over the death of Castiel, feeling guilty.   
He also knew something that Dean didn’t even know yet, or so it seemed. Dean’s real feelings for the angel were far greater than friendship, went way further then anything Dean had ever felt before, for anyone.

“I tried Sammy…man I really tried…but I just can’t keep pretending that everything is alright. Because it’s not…and it’s never going to be. You don’t understand, I wasn’t there, I wasn’t there when Cas died.” Dean had started to pack his bags and Sam could only assume the worst.

“Exactly! You weren’t there, you couldn’t have done anything!” Sam started to become exasperated, he really couldn’t understand

“I could’ve, I should’ve! I told him, Sammy. I promissed him that I would take care of him, and then, when he actually needed me there, I wasn’t. Now you tell me that it wasn’t my fault. You know that you blame me, I know Bobby does.” He slung his bag over his shoulder and opened the door, just when he was closing the door behind him, he turned around. “It’s just… How I feel, this... inside me, I wish I couldn't feel anything, Sammy. I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing.” and walked to his car. 

Sam knew that Dean was going to do something stupid, he only hoped for his safe return. That was really Sam all cared about, he had already lost Cas. He didn’t want his brother added to all those people who died these last couple of days.The first week after Sam found the article saying a man was found dead with huge wings branded at his sides in the asphalt, Dean had been in denial. He kept saying that Cas had died so many times, he could easily come back from the dead once more… right?

Dean kept driving until tears started to blur his sight. He parked at the side of the road and covered his face with this hands. All he could think about was the way Cas had looked at him, eyes full of devotion.

"Cas, can we talk?" He'd asked.  
"Ofcourse Dean, I always cherish our talks and time together." He'd laughed so sweet and full with warmth. That it physichly hurt to tell Cas what he was about to say.  
"Cas, you can't stay." Fast and painful.  
His eyes had changed in an instant. From the warm, sweet blue to the hurt, confused, ice cold blue. Like he was trying to shield himself from the pain Dean was inflicting on him.

Dean couldn't tell Sam, ofcourse. Sam still didn't know about Ezekiel so he couldn't tell him the real reason Cas had left, or that Dean had kicked him out. And then... Cas had gotten himself killed. While Dean had promised to protect him. He had failed. Miserably. And he couldn't even tell his brother what he'd done, it was slowly killing him from the inside.

He knew what he wanted to do.

And so he did.

He made a deal with a demon. He wanted to forget about Cas, and only about Cas. No personal feelings anymore clouding his judgement. No more lethal mistakes.  
He couldn't and wouldn't cope with losing another loved one. He had already lost so much and so many people. When Dean came across the first crossroad, he got out of his car, opened the trunk and cut out a picture from one of his many fake ID's and the rest he needed to summon a demon.

"Well well, shouldn't we just give you a loyalty card?"

Dean grunted, it just seemed like those demons really didn't know how to make jokes, so he just got straight to the point.

"I need to forget someone."

That was it, he couldn't go back now.

"Trouble in paradise? You wanna take a shot at saving your dear Castiel from the pit? 'Cause that's not gonna work, we won't let him go."

Dean chocked. He hadn't even considered Cas going to hell. He couldn't let that happen again. He cared too much. Cas had been to hell and back (literally) to save Dean. And he couldn't do anything when the roles were reversed.

"But you wanna forget him? Fine, I'll give you ... Hmm... 5 years. Deal?"

Dean didn't say anything, he just kissed her and turned around. When he drove back to the motel he had already forgotten who Castiel was and tried to solve the case in his head. Totally unbothered.

Sam decided to go along with Dean's coping mechanism. Acting like he didn't even remember Cas at all. Little did he know, Dean wasn't acting.


	2. 2 Years Left

Castiel had no idea how long he'd been in this awful place. He just hoped he could've seen Dean for just one more time. The other angels had finally caught up with him, guess he couldn't outrun his past. It didn't matter that he had any powers anymore, he had stil cast his own brothers and sisters out of heaven. Dean had been right. He couldn't have stayed with them, the angels would've killed them all.

The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. Or the one. This was the only reason he could endure the torment that this place was bringing him. He could take a lot with Dean in his mind. Dean might not believe that he was the righteous man, but Castiel didn't see him any other way. Castiel would know, after all, he was the one that had built him up again from scratch. He had looked into his soul and watched him with his brother. Dean was the perfect human being in his eyes. And Castiel would fight for his righteous man just as he had when he was stil an angel, he wouldn't dissappoint Dean. 

He braced himself for what would come as the door opened and revealed a well built, replica of Dean Winchester. Castiel averted his eyes, this was a low blow, even for the demons. He expected the replica to yell at him, torture him, tell him how useless he was and how ashamed Dean was of him. But the only thing - the fake- Dean did, was look at him like he couldn't even remember him, like Dean didn't know why he was even here. That hurt more than any form of torture previously had done. He would rather be beaten and cut than not being recognize by Dean, forgotten.

"Dean?"  
"I'm sorry, who are you?"  
"You're not him. You're not Dean. You're just a demon."  
The imposter acted like he hadn't heard anything Cas'd just said.  
"How do you know my name? And you didn't answer my first question. Who. Are. You?!"

Castiel knew in his mind that this wasn't dean, that this demon was just playing him. He knew that they had finally found his soft spot. His brothers and sisters had known before, but they had never used it to manipulate him. Certainly Dean wouldn't want to forget him, their.. Friendship meant too much. Right? He began to question everything. Had Dean not seemed distant and cold during their last encounter? After all, he did send him away. But he posed a threat to Dean's family. He had all the angels looking for him, wanting to kill him. It had been a given that he would have to leave sooner or later, and it turned out to be sooner. Dean had called him a couple of times, but it never was anything major. He had always thought that he would have enough time to bond and develop their relationship. Turned out a whole other way though. 

(...)

Dean went on dates again , well, they were more like his usual one night stands, but it worked for him. Sam was glad, he hadn't thought that he would get over Castiel so easily, if he was completely honest, he'd thought that Dean had been different around Cas. He had already brushed that thought away though. Dean seemed to be back to his old, womanizing, self. They had been killin more and more monsters this last year. Like the creatures had upp'd their game or something. Since the angels fell, a whole new definition of messed up had come to light.

"Sammy!" Dean's voice travelled through the walls of the bunker.

"Yes Dean?" Sam looked up at his brother.

"We've got a case! Here, look." Dean gave his little brother the paper and pointed to an article. "This can't be some normal human shit right? This could be a way for the angels to find vessels, don't you think?"

Sam read the article and turned to his brother. "Via a psychic? Really Dean?"

"Well, yeah. But listen;'Soulreader claims to have found traces of angelic beings residing in her clients.' And then that quote right there: 'It would be an honor to be a part of God's immortal children, after all, they are angels.' You see Sammy? They. Are. Angels."

Sam sighed. "You are really bored, aren't you?"  
Dean got a guilty and pleading look in his eyes. "Well, we haven't done anything since that thing with Abaddon and Crowley. And we haven’t heard anything from those two these last couple of days, have we? So I need a hunt.”

Sam shrugged, Dean had a point. Since the big showdown between Abaddon and Crowley things had been really quiet, and all they could do was research. Sam knew how much Dean hated research. He stood up from his chair and told Dean to lead the way. “Fine, go on then. I’ll follow behind. Maybe this will turn out to actually be something.” He walked with Dean to de Impala and got in the passengers’ seat. Dean started the car and they went on their ‘hunt’. 

(...)

Castiel cried out as the knife cut through his flesh, the cold metal scraping against his bones and leaning on his muscels. He had long given up on any hope that the Winchesters would find him and had also lost his mental battle to the fake-Dean, who, somewhere along the way, just became Dean in his head. Those hours, days, years were the worst of his existence. There were times when Dean would give him pleasure like he had never experienced and then there were times like this, where Dean would take his knives and carve him up any way he wanted.

When he opened his eyes again the next morning, or he thought that it was morning, he swore to himself that he would get out of this place by his own means. He was going to have to be his own savior, ‘cause no one else wanted the job. As he closed his eyes again he heard the door open. Dean walked through it and Castiel was afraid of him. He was absolutely terrified and squeezed his eyes shut. 

Dean came closer to him and stroked the side of his head affectionately. “I’m so sorry that I can’t remember you. But I think we’re making good memories to fill in those holes. Don’t you, Cas?” 

Cas kept his eyes shut and refused to give in to him, to give in to his own physical needs. He wanted to get out, not to stay here. He tried to tell himself this over and over. Dean started to unbuckle his belt and Cas shied away. He didn’t want to be here. He just hoped that Dean would forgive him if he left him in this awful place by himself.

(...)

“I think it’s better if we just go in, looking for a … soulreading. Come on Sammy, she’s not gonna eat you.” Dean bumped his shoulder and walked into the shop. A soulreading.. humans did some wierd shit.

“Yeah, alright, but she’s not gonna read any piece of me. Just so you know.” Sam looked so terrified by the idea that Dean just had to laugh.

“That’s good. Hello Dean, you should enjoy your last years on this earth. Laugh with your brother.” The lady looked at him with both pity and envy in her eyes.

The brothers stopped dead in their tracks and Dean looked up puzzeld at his brother. Sam shot Dean the same look.  
“How do you know my name?” He asked simply.

“It’s etched in your soul hunnie, but that angel left a mark on you. As did the demon. My dear, how much of that soul of yours is actually yours?” She closed the distance between them and touched his right shoulder, the exact same place Dean had found ‘the handprint’. He hadn’t asked Sam about it because he didn’t want his brother to worry. This was also why he didn’t show any kind of emotion.

“What do you mean, last years?” Sam asked.

The lady turned to him, and then to Dean. “You didn’t tell him?” Dean looked stunned. “You don’t even remember yourself, do you?” She sunk down on her chair. “Oh my, sit yourselves down, I’ve got something to tell you.” Dean and Sam seated themselves on one of those hideous chairs that were placed in the room and Sam stayed sceptical to anything the lady had said until she turned to him and adressed him. “Oh god!” she clapped in her hands. “Lucifer’s vessel! Now I’ve truly seen everything!” Sam stared at her with big eyes. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to attack you or anything.” she giggled at the idea. “All right, Dean, hun, I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but you sold your soul. Again.”

“What!?” Sam looked at his brother furiously. “How long does he have left?” He asked the lady.

She just stared intently at Dean and answered the question. “two years. I can’t really see when the deal was made though, so you’ll just have to do it with this. Do something with it, please. And don’t go making any new deals with crossroad demons again alright?”

“Right. Okay.” Dean nodded numbly and Sam tore him away from the shop.

When they were outside, Dean braced himself for whatever Sam wanted to say to him  
but it didn’t come. Sam was way more worried about the fact that Dean couldn’t remember he made this deal. 

“So, new vessels, i guess? I know what you are. So don’t try to pretend otherwise.” The woman held an angel’s blade against Dean’s throat and glared at Sam. “I’ve always wondered if angels still have their mojo after they take a human vessel. But well, this blade will work either way.”

“You think we’re angels? That’s rich! Tell her Sammy.” Dean glared, Sam just tried not to laugh.

“He’s right, we’re not angels, we’re just hunters. Just like you.”

“Oh.” she became red. “I’m so sorry. I really thought…”

“Nevermind. I’m Sam, nice to meet you…”

“Emma, call me Emma.”

Dean just glared at her and turned away.


	3. Return Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas returns from Hell. Mostly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mostly just a fill-chapter but a needed one,   
> I will be updating pretty soon after this one and I'm also sorry I haven't for so long!  
> Hope you enjoy it! :)

One week.

 

Sam was impressed.

  
Emma had wavy dark hair and the bluest eyes Sam had ever seen, except for Castiel’s. She had long legs but was still shorter than him, but then again, who wasnt? She also had been dating Dean for a week now. That was something only Cassie had succeeded in, and they hadn’t parted on the best of terms.

 

“Dean?! Baby? Where’s the rocksalt? We’ve run out of bullets again?”

 

“The cabin next to the door, where we always keep it!” Dean yelled from their bedroom.

 

Sam walked to the coffeemachine only to find an extra mug filled with dark goodness already there. “Thanks Em!” He yelled after her. Everyone had started to quit calling her Emmanuelle a long time ago. Charlie even started referring to Dean and Emma as Demma.

 

“You’re welcome Sammy!” By the sound of what she was doing she had found the salt and was already filling some bullets for their next hunt. Emma made life a little easier for everyone, especially for Dean.

 

(...)

 

He had done it. After so many years of torture, killing and hurting he had finally done it. He was out. Castiel took a deep breath and took in his surroundings, no demons had been able to follow him out and he was grateful for that. He could leave all the monsters behind in their pitt, never to come out again. But he still limped, he had still been injured during the fight, he hadn’t expected otherwise but it still hurt. He tried to heal himself with what little grace he had left but soon found that it wasn’t enough.

 

So he settled for second best.

 

He found help.

 

(...)

 

“I’m sorry Sam, I just don’t buy it. You’re telling me that there’s some goof out there who is actually murdering people because he wasn’t the first of his class!?” Dean waved with his beer bottle to emphasize his point.

 

“Well, yeah. People can get really fanatic about this sort of stuff.” Sam looked at his brother, he wouldn’t understand, of course. He hadn’t really expected anything other from someone who hadn’t even graduated from High School.

 

Before Dean could return a snarky comment, they heard the bell ring. The. Fucking. Bell. Who the fuck even used that thing? They hadn’t ordered anything and another hunter would just come barging in. Dean looked at his brother and made a wave-movement towards the door. Sam rolled his eyes and got up.

 

“Make sure you don’t hit your head!” Dean yelled after him. “Giant yeti.” He mumbled the last part.

 

When Sam came to the door and opened it, he almost collapsed.

 

“Cas? I thought - We thought you were dead?” Sam looked down at the blue-eyed angel, shocked.

 

“Oh, I was.” Cas clarified. “I just came back.”

 

“You can do that? They just let you leave Heaven like that?” When Sam had asked that question, it seemed like a totally normal thing to ask, but Castiel looked at him like he didn’t understand how he could be so dumb.

 

“I wasn’t in Heaven.”

 

“Purgatory?”

 

“No.”

 

“Oh my god, Cas! You were in Hell? But why? How?” Cas opened his mouth to answer him but closed it shut and started to whimper at something behind Sam.

 

Before Sam could turn around, Cas had enveloped Dean in a bone crushing hug. Dean just stood there and awkwardly patted him on the back. When Cas didn’t let go, Dean slowly slid away from the embrace and took a step back.

“Ehm, Sam? Who is this?” Dean’s eyes widened a little at the limping, dark haired stranger and shifted his look from him to his brother.

 

Cas only shut his eyes and covered his ears. “Not real. It’s not real.”

 

Sam looked worriedly at the angel and his brother. “Dean?”

 

“What? Some stranger just attacked and hugged me, I’d like to know who he is and why he’s here. That’s completely reasonable!”

 

Castiel started to shake his head violently while he kept chanting to himself “It’s not real, it’s not really Dean. It’s just a demon. Dean wouldn’t want to forget me. It’s not real.” Sam was suddenly hit with the realisation what Dean had done. He didn’t remember the deal because that wás the deal. Dean had fucked up big time. Again.  “Dean, get inside, I’m gonna take him to the guest room. Stay away from him.”

 

With those words Sam pushed Dean away and got an arm around Cas. “Come on Cas, let’s get you cleaned up and in a bed.” Cas nodded weakly and got up slowly. “I’m sorry Sam, I should get a grip on myself and my sentiments.” Sam decided to ignore that statement and just got him to the guest room. While Sam was carrying Cas, Emma came out to see what all the fuzz was about.

  
“Oh my god, are you okay?” She looked at him wide-eyed and started helping Sam wherever she could. When Cas was finally seated inside the bed he had already drifted off. “So, who is he? Is this the infamous Castiel?” - “Yeah, he is. He just fought his way out off hell, so I guess he can sleep a little.” Sam had responded jokingly to lighten the mood but Emma wouldn’t have any of it. “Sam, this is serious. I’ll get some bandages.” Sam nodded his head at her and watched her leave, when she was almost out of the room, she turned around. “On second thought, I’ll bring Dean too.” And she was out of the room. Sam only hoped she knew what she was doing.


	4. Help Is On The Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma helps.  
> Sam is angry.  
> Cas is defeated.  
> Dean is tired.  
> but not necessarily in that order ;)

Dean couldn’t sleep anymore, he hadn’t for weeks now. Emma mostly spent her nights talking to Castiel, so he just stayed awake staring at the ceiling. He kept trying to remember who the angel was, but he just couldn’t place the black hair and the blue eyes that faced him when he looked through the door. He knew he was important, he just didn’t know anything else. The look in the angel’s eyes haunted him, invaded his dreams at night and his thoughts at day. He couldn’t keep living like this.

Sam wouldn’t talk to him anymore and anything that Dean would say would offend Emma. He hated this side of her, and he hated that Castiel would talk to her but not to him. He just didn’t know what to do anymore. He had tried to walk into the guest room to talk to him but Sam had just shut him out, just like Emma had. When the guards finally left the bunker to run some errands, Dean took his chance and slipped into the guestroom.

“Hey, Castiel was it? Right?” Dean was just happy that Castiel wasn’t looking at him, that would be a real trick. He didn’t know if he could stay relaxed if those eyes would interrogate him.

“Hmm.”

But apparently this wouldn’t be a problem, the angel wouldn’t look at him and just kept lying with his back towards Dean. It stung. The agreeable noise was all the response he was going to get. Dean got a little bit closer, not trying to show that he was affected by his reaction.  
“Look, I know that I probably did something that made you hate me so bad. I mean, I do stuff like this all the time. I’m just sorry it had to be you, you seem like one of the few people I never intended to hurt.”

This time Castiel did turn around. Dean tried to keep in the gasp that was forcing its way out of his lungs and tried not to stare at the blue of his eyes.  
“Are you here to deliberately hurt me, or do you simply not care?” Castiel’s eyes were pained and the blue was troubled. Dean wanted to erase the hurt out of his eyes and make the spark return that must’ve been there, Dean just couldn’t remember what it looked like or how to make it appear. He was gaping at the man in the bed with eyes wide open, trying to think of the right thing to say.  
“So the last then.” Castiel searched his face for one last moment and turned his back towards Dean, again. Before Dean knew what he was doing he had forced Castiel on his back and was sitting next to him with his knees on the bed and his hands on Castiel’s shoulders.  
“You don’t know what you’re talking about. You don’t know what I feel. You don’t know me!” He had bared his teeth at the angel, he had tried to make him angry, to get a rise out of him. He hadn’t expected all light to disappear from his eyes and to shrink in his own skin.

“No, it seems I don’t, doesn’t it? So would you please leave and let me suffer in peace?”  
Dean was stunned, he got up in a flash and stood next to the open door, not knowing what to do to make it better. When he opened his mouth in a desperate attempt to say something in return, Sam barged in.

“Dean! Get out of here! You are not allowed anywhere near him, do you understand? You already hurt him, don’t make it twice.” Sam was spitting fire at him, his eyes burned and Dean just wanted to hide. His shoulders slumped and his head fell, he left the room without saying anything. Leaving Sam and Castiel alone.

When Dean was gone, Sam walked up to Castiel and sat next to him on the bed. “Cas, I can’t begin to understand what you’re going through so I won’t pretend that I do. I’m sorry Dean came in, we’ll try to keep him out. It’s just.. You have to get out of this room eventually. I know you lost your grace and I can understand that you wouldn’t want to leave but you have to.. eventually.”  
“I will Sam, I will. It’s just.. They tortured me in there Sam, they had a demon take the form of your brother and he hurt me, at first he didn’t recognise me, just like Dean does now. It hurts, to know that a demon was right, to know that Dean really just thought of me as a mistake and wanted to get rid of me. Not only on this planet, but also in his mind.”

Sam was stunned. He didn’t know what to say to that, so he just nodded sadly and left. God, he was going to kill his brother for this.  
When Sam walked out of the room and closed the door behind him, he expected Dean to wait for him, to throw something in his face and demand answers. But he wasn’t, it was eerily quiet and Sam sighed deeply and went to grab a beer. 

Dean didn’t know what to do. Had he really wanted to forget so badly that he made a deal with a demon? It didn’t sound like him, but all the proof was right in front of him. He sat on the side of his bed with his head in his hands, not knowing what to do. When he felt a hand on his shoulder he looked up.  
“You can’t keep doing this forever Dean.” Emma looked at him with sympathy.  
“I know, I just don’t know what to do.” It was hard for him to admit it, and she knew it. Emma stood up from the bed and went to stand before him, with her hands on her hips.  
“Then we’ll just have to figure it out, don’t we?” Before Dean could respond, she was already out the door. Dean followed her in a fit of curiousity. 

Emma had pulled almost all of the books off of the bookshelves and thrown a couple of them on the table. “Let’s start with this one, shall we?” She asked, she showed him a book ‘DEALS AND PACTS’. Seems like we could use some information about these soul-stealing deals.  
Dean smiled sadly and took the book from her, she grabbed another book off of the pile she had created, sat next to him and started to read.  
When Sam saw them there together he put his beer on the table and grabbed a book, smiled at them and began to read. Together they would figure this shitstorm out.

(...)

Castiel was worried. He hadn’t heard anything from outside his room in a couple of hours. Normally he could hear Dean talking to Sam, Emma making more bullets or just someone eating. He didn’t dare face the rest of the bunker. He almost felt that he didn’t belong here, it seemed that another hunter had taken his place in this little family, and that hurt him. But they had chosen a wonderful person for his replacement. He almost wanted to hate her, but he couldn’t. How could he hate someone that had taken care of his human when he couldn’t, someone who would sit with him at night and just talk with him, about previous cases, how Sam started doing yoga for a couple days and Dean had made fun of him before he was forced to do it with him. Now the only yoga mat that was in use was Deans.  
Emma always smiled at him when they talked about Dean, and before the pity would show in her eyes, he would almost feel like he was part of their little unit again.  
He loved those moments as much as he hated them. 

He softly opened the door to his room and peered outside. Still silent, no tv, no music, no nothing. He remembered Sam saying to him that he had to get out of his room eventually and thought ‘better sooner than later’. Castiel took a deep breath and stepped out of his room for the first time in weeks. When he saw them all gathered around a table, reading, he felt a little spark of hope. Maybe they could figure this out, maybe he could have Dean, maybe he could figure out what had made Dean forget him and fix it. 

Sam looked up and saw Castiel standing in the doorway, “Cas hey, we’re trying to find a solution, wanna help?”. Castiel nodded and walked toward the table, when he looked at the books they were reading he stood frozen. They were all books on demon deals and sold souls.  
Sam, Emma and Dean were all watching him cautiously.  
“You- you sold your soul? To forget me? Did you really want to get rid of me that badly?”  
Dean didn’t know what to say, he had made a deal, but he didn’t remember the circumstances. Had he wanted to get rid of this angel? Before he could say something Castiel stumbled backwards.  
“This- this was a mistake, I shouldn’t have come.” He was walking away. Dean looked at Sam in alarm, Sam wouldn’t let him walk away, right? Sam just shook his head at Dean. Dean turned to Emma, surely she would do something, she had spent all those nights with him in that damned room. She wouldn’t want him to leave. Emma only looked at him in pity, ‘sorry’ she mouthed.  
He looked at the angel’s retreating back. This was not supposed to happen, not like this. He was going to have his memories back and he would remember the references Sam made when he talked about their time with the angel. He was going to fix this dammit!

“Cas, I..” But what could he say, what would make him stay? If only he could remember something, that seemed the most important right in that moment. He had to remember something, otherwise he would lose this forever, and even if he had wanted that in the past, he surely didn’t want that now. Castiel was waiting for him to say something, so he said the only thing he could say. “Cas, we need you, I need you.” Castiel stood frozen, as he turned around there was hope in his eyes, when he met Dean’s eyes, that little flame flickered out and they could all see that his face was twisted in agony. His eyes radiated sadness when he replied in a small voice. “Well… I always come when you call…” With that, Castiel turned around and went back to the room that had become his room.

Dean could breathe a little easier again.


	5. Another One Bites The Dust

Castiel had had enough. It had been weeks and they still couldn’t find anything. Emma was trying her hardest to keep Dean from giving up but Dean hadn’t been the same ever since he had caught Sam trying to slip out of the house. Sam hadn’t wanted to tell him where he was going, but Dean wasn’t stupid and he wouldn’t let his little brother sell his soul for him… again.

Castiel heard Emma whisper that they had looked everywhere to Sam, and Castiel knew that they were running out of options. He had to do something, he couldn’t just sit in his bed, moping and hating himself. A useless angel without his grace. A baby in a dirty trenchcoat, as Dean had once put it. But he couldn’t remember that. Castiel still couldn’t wrap his head around that. Dean didn’t remember anything about him, all the memories they had shared were now only Castiels’. With that thought fresh in his mind, he decided. Instead of being hurt all the time, he became angry. Dean had no right to take his memories of all the times they had shared and make them something unwanted. Dean must’ve known that Castiel loved him and had not only rejected him, but everything about them. In a red haze he put on his clothes and stormed out of his room.

“Cas, I don’t think…” Sam said something but Castiel just kept on walking, no, storming to the door.

“Cas? Cas?! Where are you going?”  
Sam tried to stop him but Castiel was not going to let him.

“I’m going to make this right, Sam.” With those last words he opened the door of the bunker and left. 

Sam just turned back to his research, he knew he couldn’t stop Castiel when he had set his mind to it. 

(...)

They had been looking for an solution for forever it seemed, they had the whole men of letters library and they still couldn’t find anything about ‘canceling’ a deal with a demon. Dean knew that everybody was slowly losing hope but he didn’t dare to. He had the feeling that he couldn’t really move forward without all his memories, even if he wanted to forget them in the first place.

Dean walked in, still a little drowsy from sleep and with a blanket wrapped around him.  
“Morning,” he grumbled “found anything yet?”

“No, not really, but I think Castiel might’ve.” Emma told him. Dean was stunned. Castiel had come and helped them? Did that mean that there was hope?  
“He left, Dean.” Sam saw the hope in his brother’s eyes and hated to snuff it out like this, but Dean had to know that his actions had concequences. Even if he hadn’t meant to hurt Castiel, he still had.

Dean sagged. His eyes seemed empty and the blanket he had wrapped around him fell to the floor. “Oh, well… I guess it was a long time coming.” He said in a small voice. Emma couldn’t stand seeing him like this, but it made on thing clear for her. Moving out of Dean’s bedroom was the best decision she ever made. 

“Dean, I don’t think we’re going to find anything in these books.” Dean looked up at Sam, and a fire started burning in his eyes, “You don’t know that Sammy.” Sam only shook his head and looked at his brother with pity. “Making a demon break the contract wouldn’t be such a problem, but we don’t know where you made the deal or what the name is of the demon. We have absolutely no information. I don’t know what you want me to do Dean. We just don’t know enough.” 

 

“Don’t be ridiculous Sammy! This is the fucking library of the Men of Letters! There has to be an answer somewhere!” Sam raised his hands and sat back in the chair.

“You guys…” Emma tried to mediate, having the brothers fight wouldn’t get them anywhere “You have to stay calm, it’ll be easier to concentrate like that.” Dean looked at her as if he was trying to tell her just how stupid he found those words.   
“Well, it looks like we don’t have anything to concentrate on.” His schoulders slumped and he sat down.   
“I think there’s still something we can try,” Emma sat down oppossite of Dean “you know that the contract isn’t an actual contract right? I mean, ofcourse you do. Anyway, the contract isn’t visible to humans but angels and demons are able to see it, and well, we don’t have an angel in the bunker anymore. 

“So I’ll have to get him back. Right?” Dean was practically ready to run out the door and start his quest for the angel. 

“Well, yeah. But I’m not sure if he would want to see you. I think it’s better if Sam goes and finds him. You could.. you could go through the books again, find out if we missed something.”

“You want me to sit here on my ass and do nothing?! It’s my fault he’s like this! I’m the only one who is responsible for this situation. I should be the one finding him. I hadn’t expected him to just...” Dean hadn’t expected Castiel to do something like this, he was astonished that someone who wasn’t his brother would do so much for him. Sam put his hand on his brothers arm and looked at him.   
“She’s right Dean, you’re not really the perfect candidate to go and bring him back, the only thing you could do is push him further away.”

Dean realised that arguing was futile. So he did the thing he always did, he let Sam go, pretended to sit still like some meek thing and would go something stupid by himself when he was alone. Textbook Winchester behavior. 

(...)

When Sam finally found Castiel, not far away, at the nearest crossing. Making a deal with a demon. “Cas!! What are you doing?!” He yelled out. Cas’ reply was simple, but heartbreaking nonetheless. “Why should I have these memories if they are so disgusting that even Dean would want to get rid of them? Why should I have to be the one to suffer? Always? I’ve always suffered for you and I’m done, I can’t do it anymore.”

Before Sam could get to him, Castiel had grabbed the demon and kissed them as if to show Sam that he would really do it. That he really couldn’t do it anymore. The demon just smiled at Sam before looking back at Castiel, “Thanks for the lovely soul darling,” and vanishing. Sam stood frozen. These idiots were made for each other. No doubt about it. He was startled when Castiel suddenly put his hand on his face. 

“Hmmm, that is certainly odd. I seem to have lost my grace.” His eyes zeroed in on the human standing next to him. “Sam Winchester, Lucifer’s vessel. It seems as if you know more about my… situation.” Sam was baffled. Castiel had not only erased his memories of Dean but of Sam as well. 

“Cas, you have to come with me! Dean needs you.” Castiel looked puzzled at the hopeful expression on this humans face.

“Cas? You seem to be mistaken, human. I do not serve you. And I have more pressing matters to occupy myself with at the moment.”  
Sam had a big problem. Castiel had no reason to help Dean, not in the state he was in. And Dean only had a year and some left, if they were lucky.  
“I need to go back. Do you have a car?”  
This was his window, the only chance he was going to get. And Sam took it.  
“Yes, I do have a car. And I can take you wherever you want, but we’ll have to pick up someone first.” Castiel simply nodded his head, letting Sam lead the way.  
If Sam could get them together long enough, there was bound to happen something. Good or bad, he didn’t know yet.

(...)

Dean was mad. He should’ve known Sam would take his baby. He felt useless as Emma and he sat across from each other, searching book after book. Goddamnit.

“Dean?! Get in the car right now, we’re going on a road trip. Emma, could you stay here and man the phones?” Emma nodded but didn’t let her eyes stray from the book once. Guess she was really into all the research.

Dean was up and behind the wheel of his beautiful baby while Sam was still talking to Emma. As he was softly moving his hand along all the curves of the Impala, he heard someone behind him.

“You seem to care an awful lot about an inanimate object, I do not think that is normal human behavior. Your brother didn’t seem to display any kind of behavior like that.”

Dean turned around, mouth wide open. “Cas? you’re here?”  
“I seem to be, yes. Your brother is helping me find my grace, he really only has to drive me. It seems it is rather tedious to travel long distances on foot without grace or being able to fly.”  
Dean felt his heart shatter, and then he felt it shatter again for the angel. If this was how he felt after knowing the angel for several weeks, then how had he felt when he had realised that Dean had forgotten everything about him?

“We’re just… driving you?” - “Yes,” - “Oh” Nothing was said after that and they waited in silence for Sam to get in the car and start driving this angel to wherever he needed to go. Dean could almost feel the little hope of not going to Hell slip through his fingertips. It had taken weeks for Emma to find this solution. How much longer would it take her to find a solution that didn’t need an angel?

His time was running out, and he lost all hope the minute he realised Castiel had forgotten him. He was going to hell. Again. And there was nothing he could do about it.


End file.
